🚨Earth Action Alliance HUGE NEWS 🚨

The Weekly Lately #053

Dear Earth Action Alliance members, friends and allies,

We just received some GREAT NEWS, and I figured I’d better pass it along ASAP to our strongest supporters like you:

If we raise $500,000 cash in the next hour, one generous anonymous donor has generously promised to stop threatening my family.

I accepted the donor’s challenge. I did so because I believe in the righteousness of our goals, our shared commitment to environmental justice and that the menacing goons standing in my office right now are indeed capable of some really nasty stuff.

I may have peed a bit when the one guy lifted me up over his head earlier, but I’m now absolutely confident that our network of powerful grassroots organizers (i.e YOU!) can raise the money quickly without involving the cops.

After all, we raised over six hundred dollars during last year’s virtual auction without a single dead fish being left on anybody’s windshield. I’ll be frank — as soon as we kick up our piece to this certain anonymous somebody that I may or may not have foolishly acquainted myself with at a racetrack, we can all get back to what we do best: fighting corporate greed and boldly protecting our planet’s natural beauty for generations to come.

Friends, failure is not an option. I like my legs. Remember what happened to the Unified Wetlands Conservatory Action Alliance?

Who?

Exactly.

I’m passionate about protecting the environment and so is this anonymous donor. But – and the goons really want me to emphasize this – he’s also very passionate about loyalty, N OT JUST DODOS AND FUCKIN’ BUMBLEBEES

Sorry, goons grabbed my keyboard.

While my new friends try to break down the bathroom door, let me say that I realize some of you may have second thoughts about this arrangement. I get it. Trust me. Our intern Brian (who took the stunning photo of the toucan, above) had questions too. Our friends are apparently going to set him up with a great research opportunity at the bottom of Lake Sayonara, if you catch my drift. Questions are no bueno with these guys.

Movements like ours can only prevail with people power, and you people have no idea how much power this guy’s got. And, look, you shouldn’t blame him. Seriously. Mostly because they have our entire Earth Action Alliance donor list — your names & addresses, email addresses….the whole nine yards. Very persuasive goons, I’ve got to say. Sorry.

Swing by if you can. Please. Twenties would be perfect.

In solidarity,

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