If The Army Used Reverse Psychology To Recruit Me At Age 34
The Weekly Lately #049
Dear Mr. Barth:
The Army National Guard has a policy: we don’t recruit people over the age of thirty-five. According to our records, you’re thirty-four, which is basically forty, which is dead, so you should probably quit while you’re ahead and not read any further.
Sorry to waste your time.
Yes, you’re still technically young enough to enlist, but you probably couldn’t hack it physically. That’s what everyone here at headquarters is saying, anyway. We’ve got a team of younger guys that have checked out your social media posts. We’re not seeing a lot of pull-ups.
I mean, you probably aren’t even a little curious about the opportunity to serve your country part-time while learning valuable skills and receiving competitive financial compensation. Some of your contemporaries are, however. Research shows that people get more curious as they age. Think about it —that’s why you spend so much time reading about the bioavailability of collagen supplements.
But hey, gray hair is still hair, huh? So you’ve got that going for you, Mr. Norwood III.
Forget we even reached out. Focus on the good times you have left. Plenty of good stuff to look forward to, such as paying off your car loan.
So don’t worry about what we’ll get up to without you here in the Army National Guard. Trust me, a guy your age would hate it. It’s just a lot of blowing stuff up with advanced robotics, eating (free!) hot dogs and rescuing your neighbors from natural disasters with helicopters. Not your kind of scene, unfortunately. Plus, you’re too busy. Our records show you are about to watch The Sopranos from the beginning, again. Very cool.
I mean, it would probably give you a migraine to even hear about what you'd get to do within minutes of joining up, so whatever you do, don’t sign up right now at our online portal at the link below to watch us drive through walls with tanks.
Yes, you’d receive a limited time guaranteed financial reward just for attending a five minute Zoom meeting with one of our recruiters, but who cares about that? You can get six hundred bucks anywhere these days, especially with your Creative Writing degree. You must be getting ready to retire!
Five long minutes with one of our recruiters, only to recieve your own custom camouflage helmet with built-in radio regardless of what you decide? Who’s got the time for that nonsense! Spend what time you have left with your loved ones. Forget about becoming a hero in the eyes of your children one day. They’ll love you just fine, probably.
Uh-oh….did someone say night vision goggles? That’s right! Every recruit gets a pair. Not that you’d care, but day one of basic training is Night Vision Day. Funny name, huh? Then again, nightlife isn’t really your thing anymore, so maybe it’s a moot point. People your age tend to go to sleep around 2100. Oops, sorry for the professional lingo. “2100” means 9:30pm in Army Time, but don't you worry about that. Civilian is all you need to understand. Nine to five, am I right?
If you don’t join, you’ll never have to learn our boring old secret codes, or have a security clearance, or march around the woods eating free pizza with a group of new lifelong friends. We know how easy it is to make new friends in your thirties who would definitely die for you. You’re probably beating them off with a stick!
But hey, maybe you know a younger person and could forward this message along? You and I know the youth don’t read emails as much these days, but maybe a word from a trusted elder Millennial such as yourself would get them to consider the amazing opportunities we have to offer. But please don't send this to just anyone with fewer forehead wrinkles than you, ok? Try to be at least a little selective.
Did we mention that you get to take the night vision goggles home with you? Because you do.
Ah, forget it. Again, sorry to waste your time. Good luck with the collagen.